My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
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Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Blew my mind.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”