@drinksmcgee: My kids are in Karate class and I'm just sitting here thinking that I could kick the shit out of half these 6 year olds.
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@AbbyHasIssues: I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
@KeetPotato: elephants are scared of mice they're like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps [a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
@LurkAtHomeMom: Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax! Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
@CerebralWreck: Lawyer: why do you want a divorce? Wife: because he use idioms incorrectly. Me: it's not my cup of shoes, Linda!