Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
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Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty