My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
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The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
The government even made aliens boring
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.