My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
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Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist