My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
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America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Catercrombie & Fish
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.