My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
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If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.