My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
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Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
they should invent a hydrating liquor
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.