My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
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[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Erm I’m gonna say no
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”