My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
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[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.