My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
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Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.