My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
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Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.