@BradBroaddus: My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
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@topaz_kell: And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.
@balloonsmatt: Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
@_Ms_Moneypenny_: The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I'm not sure if that's considered sexual harassment or flirting.
@evofck: My roommate wouldn't let me name our wireless network 'Bill Wi the Science Fi' because he has no sense of humor.