My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
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Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park