@LetMeStart: My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they're naming IKEA furniture.
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@Sarcasticsapien: Coworker: Are you seeing anyone? Me: Unfortunately. CW: Then why are you dating her? Me: No, I meant you're standing in front of me.
@AaronFullerton: "Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you're calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line..."
@LilBlueBlood: Mom: Want to come over for dinner? Me: No thanks, already ate Mom: What did you have? Me: Peanut butter Mom: With? Me: Spoon
@3sunzzz: This chicken is so moist, what is your secret? I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.