My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
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11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
I only look at Wordle for the articles
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.