My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
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[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
#oldknees
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Every. Damn. Time.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.