@HRTSMRT: My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
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@GregHenchman: I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
@pattonoswalt: "Snowmageddon"? We can do better, Twitter. #SnowCountryForOldMen #ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter #SnowMommaFromTheTrain #Snowverfield
@joejwest: The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.