My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
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Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
He’s cranky this morning
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”