My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
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[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.