My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
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Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-