@LibelousLurker: My kids can't play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn't live on the couch.
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@slimmy_shady: Almost arrived at work when my kid asked "Where're we going?" Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
@HorribleDancer: Just once, I want someone to kick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
@shutupmikeginn: If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
@simoncholland: Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don't like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year. Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that's weird.