My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
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In Russia, Pokemon find you.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Writing, She Murdered.
Bringing home a sharpie
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.