My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
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protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…