my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
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My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”