@whereami18: My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they're covering up
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@Sal0630: Me: I'm gonna make a salad Her: I think the lettuce went bad [opens fridge] [lettuce flicks a cigarette, hops out & pulls a switch blade]
@Marlebean: Again Mr Jovi, Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
@awkwardphilippe: [Jedi Academy] Why do you want to be Jedi? [Imagines using 'the force' to steal everyone's cats and building a cat army] To keep the peace
@Brampersandon_: [zoo] Hey dad, where are mountain lions from? *dad panics* -Uhh...you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much...