My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
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can I use a minion as a tampon
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again