My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
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[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef