My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
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What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind