Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
You Might Also Like
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.