My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
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This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
My birthstone is kidney
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not