My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
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My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’