Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
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As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.