[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
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[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
selena gomez
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
is this store having a stroke wtf
hmmm
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.