My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
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INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
My background check bounced.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.