Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
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An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Me when someone tries to get to know me
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you