My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
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torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school