My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
You Might Also Like
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT