Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
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FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Thrilling chase underway
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.