My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
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Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
The point of your 20s
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
can’t catch a break
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans