My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
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Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.