@patnelke: My kids have voted, and the results are in. It's official, I've been elected the President of Empty Threats.
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@Brampersandon_: FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life WIFE: our wedding day ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
@MyPolishFace: Me: We should go to the gym more often. Him: I hate it there. It's like a meat market. And I'm the expired meat.
@SoVeryBritish: Procedure for being unthanked for door holding: 1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit 2. Say you're welcome 3. Shake head 4. Mutter "unbelievable"