My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
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People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
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me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl