My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
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me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
When ur friends with white people
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day