My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
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judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Schrödinger’s cookie
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.