My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
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Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Investing in beetcoin
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently