@mylifesuckers: My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
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@FeelsLike2sday: Looking for a nice, wholesome girl I can bring home to mom. She only dates nice, wholesome girls
@SortaBad: *hears a man crying in a bathroom stall at work* "Excuse me, are you okay? Because you're kinda stealing my thing"
@Carbosly: Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
@HomeProbably: I don't trust people who keep their jackets on after they've arrived. That's what I do when I'm going to escape.