My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
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(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no