My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
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Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
and now we wait
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.