My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
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Never forget.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.