My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
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Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.