My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
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[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point