My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
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ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
We have a winner.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”