@UnfilteredMama: My kids never finish their dinner because they're saving room for bath water.
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@PaperWash: [Signing waiver for the show Cops] No no, you don't have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
@AthenaMystique: *texts god* Me: yo, can we add "being a grammar nazi" to the list of sins? Their annoying. God: *they're
@timdonakowski: If I ever meet someone who's been in a coma since 2004, I'm trying to sell them a USB drive for $150.
@EndhooS: [Commercial for axes] [A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods] *Turns to camera* "There has to be a better way?"