My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
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Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
OKAY DAD
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.