@UnfilteredMama: My kids never finish their dinner because they're saving room for bath water.
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@karencheee: Why do people say children are the future? They are clearly the present. Old people are the future.
@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking* ME: *immediately dials 911* 911: what the emergency ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
@Iwriteforcats: Her: Wanna "lex" tonight? Him: What's that? Her: Lazy sex. Him: What do we do? Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
@infamousone96: Boss: "You're not suppose to be drinking on the job!" Me: "You're not suppose to cheat on your wife." Boss: "Keep up the good work sir."