@UnfilteredMama: My kids never finish their dinner because they're saving room for bath water.
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@NicestHippo: [my first day working on The Avengers set] *leans over to Joss Whedon* I hear this Josh Sweden guy is a real dork
@INDlAN_: Cop: Lemme see your papers Me: Okay Cop: These are rolling papers Me: Would you look at that Cop: Sir are you high? Me: What are you, a cop?
@UncleDuke1969: Wife: You were right. Me: Say it again. Wife: You were right. Me: Again. Wife: You were right. Me: One more time. Wife: You wer- *wakes up*
@1_swarthy_dude: You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.