The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
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Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
The old gods are rising again.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch