My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
You Might Also Like
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Eggs benadryl my favourite
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there