My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
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The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
This trial is so absurd 😭
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.